


Rainbow In The Dark

by g0thboyfriend



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Brotherly Love, Can we all agree the Jägers are german??, Comfort/Angst, Crush at First Sight, Eren Yeager is a Little Shit, Eventual Romance, Family, Fluff and Angst, I promise, I'm Sorry, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Slice of Life, Zeke + monkeys, brothers being brothers, but it does get better, humor???, it's a package deal, no beta we die like gabi should, some canonical deaths, with a touch of darkness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:21:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29668599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/g0thboyfriend/pseuds/g0thboyfriend
Summary: "You know, Levi, Eren has an impressive doll collection at home." Zeke has not an ounce of remorse for embarrassing his brother in front of his crush."Funny you mention that." Eren mischievously smirks, turning his gaze to Kenny. "Zeke has ahugething for Japanese animated erotica chicks.""Asshole," he mumbles, feeling his cheeks burn. It's called being cultured, thank you very much."What?""What?" the blond loudly sips on coffee.Or;Eren's growth through the eyes of his brother.
Relationships: Eren Yeager & Zeke Yeager, Levi Ackerman/Eren Yeager, Zeke Yeager/Kenny Ackerman
Comments: 32
Kudos: 133





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> For those who do not know me (meaning almost everyone), I have a tendency to make bad decisions. Get this- I'm already in the middle of writing a fanfic and just two nights ago, right as I'm about to fall asleep, my brain goes "Hey, let's make something about the Jägers bonding as siblings." So of course, my brain can't shut up about it and here I am, about to post a prologue. 
> 
> As a disclaimer, I'll probably release future chapters only after I'm done with the work I'm already writing (as I try to be at least a bit reasonable) but I would absolutely love to get any feedback. 
> 
> Once again, I blame my shitty writing on the fact that English isn't my first language. Gods I love pulling the bilingual card. 
> 
> With all that said, please enjoy~

In all the six years Zeke Jäger has lived, nothing out of the ordinary has ever occurred. He has two loving parents; mama who helps innocent people stay out of prison, and papa who makes sick people get better. He doesn’t fully grasp the concept of money but he’s aware not everyone has access to a house as big as the one he lives in. Mama will often tell him to not take for granted what they own. It isn’t much of an issue for Zeke- he’s plentifully satisfied with Mr Monkey. Every night he will fall asleep with Mr Monkey tightly held close to him. On a fateful day, he had lost his favourite plushie, resulting in him sobbing for hours. His father thankfully has keen eyes and after numerous furniture moved, Mr Monkey was back in Zeke’s hands before bedtime. 

The young boy is a hard worker in school, he heard from his teacher. His dream would be to study and help animals in the future. As such, once his father drives him back home, he’s very excited to show the test he accomplished with a perfect score. 

  
Grisha only needs to slightly crack the door open for Zeke to run inside. The blond boy drops his backpack, eagerly digging through his various textbooks to pull out an important sheet of paper. As there was no sign of his mother on the first floor, he presumes she must be in her bedroom. Not sparing a second, he climbs the stairs and is quickly faced with a closed door. He knocks, calling out for her, yet there is no response. He considers asking his father what he should do but hears him cooking in the kitchen. 

As he slowly opens the door, he’s faced with a fully dark room, curtains closed during daylight. Hesitantly stepping in, he notices a lump under the blanket. 

“M-Mama?” he worriedly mutters, watching the body unmoving. His own blood freezes, unsure how to process the scene in front of his eyes, right before Dina answers.

“Mama needs some time alone,” she tiredly groans, pulling the sheets over her head. 

Test forgotten on the floor, Zeke feels tears prickling his eyes. He tentatively backs away then rushes back downstairs. His father questionably looks at him as he pulls after his sleeve. 

“Mama- there- there’s something wrong with mama!” he tries notifying him through the jumble of his thoughts. Grisha abandons his Wienerschnitzel, his face changing to a serious expression. He pushes back his glasses then pats down the young boy’s shoulder.

“Stay here, Zeke,” orders his father. He reluctantly obeys the man, hugging his plushie as a source of comfort. He wonders if he overreacted. After all, it’s normal for people to be tired sometimes, and it’s also a possibility that she has a fever, hence why she prefers to be left alone. What slightly weirds him out is the fact what she was very energetic these last few days. 

His thoughts are interrupted as he sees his father coming back. He eagerly approaches the tall man, and his smile falters as he sees worry still plastered on his face. 

“Is… is mama dying?” His bottom lip trembles, horrified at the thought of losing his mother.

Grisha ruffles his son’s head, forcing a smile to cheer him up. “Don’t worry too much. Your mama hasn’t talked much but she’s not in physical pain. I’ll check tomorrow to see if it gets worse.”

Zeke silently nods, watching his father going back to dipping veal cutlets in an egg mixture before covering them with breadcrumbs. The blond boy brings his favourite book to the table, emerging himself in new knowledge. The text is big and has simple words to help him understand. He stares in awe at the dinosaurs shown, tracing his hand over the colourful images. 

For what feels like a few minutes, he’s surprised to suddenly see a plate carrying a delicious-looking meal in front of him. He sets his book aside, waiting for his father’s signal to start eating.

“Guten appetit.” The older man starts cutting into the meat, and Zeke looks to find his part already cut into bite-sized pieces. His mouth salivates at the smell and he doesn’t waste any second. He tries to shake off the weird feeling of having dinner without his mother.

Later that evening, when Grisha thinks he’s not looking, he notices his father bringing a plate up the stairs. He comes back with the plate full.

Zeke has a hard time falling asleep. Mr Monkey can only do so much. He tries his hardest not to cry. He has to stay strong for his mama.

* * *

It’s Saturday, early in the morning, and he awakens by noises coming from the kitchen. His body still half-asleep, he heads towards the rattle only to be jolted awake at the sight of Dina cooking breakfast as she’s humming. He runs towards the woman, widely grinning, and hugs her leg. He receives a head pat as a response. 

“I’m sorry for worrying you, Zeke. I’m feeling much better today!” she cheerfully exclaims. 

He jumps in excitement seeing the batter she’s currently whisking. “What are we eating, mama?” His stomach already rumbles. 

“Flädle, I know it’s your favourite,” she chuckles as he squeals in happiness. 

It doesn’t take long for Grisha to follow them downstairs and Zeke couldn’t feel any better. Everything will be alright.

* * *

_“DINA!”_

Zeke lets his plushie drop on the wet floor. He stares unblinkingly at the tainted water overflowing from the bathtub, running across the now pinkish tiles. He doesn’t register his father’s cries as he holds a palish body with shaking arms. Red droplets rhythmically fall on the ground coming from his mother’s wrists. His stomach’s content almost makes a comeback. Today was his birthday.

He screams.

* * *

His father’s new favourite pastime is drinking. Zeke is not stupid. He knows he can’t drink from those bottles and that it’s supposed to make adults feel funny. The two of them feel like that undead creature he’s seen on shows that aren’t meant for his age. His classmates look uncomfortable around him, now. The few friends he made stay mostly silent, preferring to hang out with others. The food he eats isn’t cooked by his father anymore, served instead in paper boxes or styrofoam containers. Sometimes he’ll skip a meal but his father doesn’t comment on it. Zeke constantly avoids the bathroom downstairs. He would lie if he said it wasn’t annoying, but he would rather not open that can of worms.

It goes on like that for a few weeks- until it doesn’t.

“Zeke, there’s… someone I would like for you to meet.” He quirks an eyebrow at his father’s uncertainty in his voice. “She’s, uh, a good friend of mine. Carla, you can come in.”

He silently watches said woman enter their house. She has brown eyes brightening with life along with dark hair loosely tied to the side. The dress she wears perfectly compliments her silhouette. She tentatively waves at him.

“Hi, I’m Carla. It’s nice to meet you.” She smiles as she shows perfectly straight teeth. She could be like the women in sees in magazines. 

He fiddles with his fingers. “I-I’m Zeke.” He hides behind his father’s leg, a nervous reflex he still hasn’t quit. Rather than laugh at him, Carla simply waits for him to poke his head out to wave again. He slightly blushes, feeling his father pet his head. 

Grisha cooks for the first time ever since the incident. Instead of the usual gloomy look on his face, he actually seems… content. The blond glances back at the guest and sees her laughing at one of his father’s anecdotes. Suddenly, life at home isn’t so depressing, almost like Carla is the silver lining through their dark and heavy cloud. 

It’s not the last time Zeke sees her. On the contrary, she becomes more and more present in their life. He himself warms up to her presence, sharing a few more personal facts, though nothing about… _that_. 

He doesn’t question why sometimes she stays for the night, and on some rare occasions, she’ll tuck him in bed. It’s a shame Mr Monkey can’t talk, there are so many questions he would like to ask.

Months pass and it’s on a particular morning when he witnesses his father kiss Carla. Suddenly, everything makes sense. He assumes he wasn’t supposed to see this with the way her face flushes as red as a tomato. In a rush, she tries explaining that her goal isn’t to replace his mother but to become a new member of their family simply as Carla. It’s a bit hard to decipher the word-vomit but he gets the gist of it. 

He can feel Grisha anxiously gazing upon him. Truth be told, he somewhat expected this outcome. He might only be eight, but he’s learned a few things about romance from books and movies. One thing that intrigues him is why the prince always comes to the pretty lady and forgets about the pretty boy. If he was the prince, he would get both. 

“Okay,” he nonchalantly shrugs before taking a slice of bread and spreading jam that was made by his _oma._ He gets stopped from taking a bite when the two adults restrain him in a hug.

* * *

Zeke hesitantly places a hand over the swollen stomach. He gasps as he feels movement under his palm. 

“He’s a little fighter, isn’t he?” Carla chuckles. 

He stares in wonder at the life form only separated by skin. To think that a human being is created right before his eyes… truly is fascinating. He was told he would get to see his baby brother in a month and he’s eagerly awaiting the month of March. 

His father hands him a stethoscope and as he moves the diaphragm around, he suddenly captures a second, faster heartbeat. He grins at the two, a new kind of hope brightening his future. 

It’s only after two weeks when Grisha screams about water breaking. He’s not sure what it means other than the baby is coming soon, limited by the knowledge of a ten-year-old. 

A few hours later and Zeke watches Carla bleed and scream in pain. There’s not much he can do other than to hold her hand. He cringes at the cries, definitely glad to be a man but with a newfound respect for people who’ve gone through labour. 

It goes on for what feels like forever until suddenly, in his arms, is a fragile, wrinkly, reddish newborn that is now his brother. He sniffs, unable to stop the tears spewing from his eyes. Eren, his name is. He delicately holds him to his chest, a new responsibility born along with the infant. 

He will protect him with his life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember when i said it would take me a long time to update this fanfic? anyway here's ~~wonderwall~~ the next chapter

Time is a funny thing. It can have the illusion of passing as quickly as a dog can lick a dish while on other occasions, it feels like watching paint dry. He remembers as if it was yesterday when his father and Carla had hugged him until he couldn’t breathe. Eren was growing up so fast, already reaching an impressive height for an 8-year-old. The little guy needed a lot of soothing words and promises in order to stop bawling his eyes out. It’s adorable just how clingy he is. 

It was only after many pleas that Zeke’s parents allowed him to move to a dorm. While his college isn’t extremely far, he would rather avoid the daily 45-minute drive. Don’t get him wrong- he wasn’t thrilled at the idea of losing many potential activities to do with his little brother, but he couldn’t deny being a bit excited at the freedom offered to him. 

He chose to enlist in a biological science curriculum, a major that would definitely help him through the steps in becoming a wildlife biologist. What was his first impression of college? Ask the poor sod that guided his ass through a panic attack because he couldn’t find his first class.

He eventually found a rhythm through his new everyday life. People were relatively civilised, apart from some strange incidents he’s witnessed in his dorm. Sometimes, it’s best to stay ignorant. He’s learned that the hard way.

Then rush week started.

You see, with his father coming from Germany, the man never joined a fraternity with hazing culture being very common there. There’s also the fact that a Jewish man surrounded by a bunch of old-fashioned Germans is a recipe for disaster. As for Carla, nothing against her, but she hasn’t gone to college. In short, when he heard other freshmen excitingly chatting about joining Greek life, he was absolutely clueless on the subject. He didn’t hold much interest in it either. 

That is, until he saw him. Distressed black jeans and a leather jacket covered in pins from various punk and metal bands. Strawberry blond hair in an undercut slicked back. That same man was handing out pamphlets for a fraternity named Alpha Delta Phi.

He looked back at himself and silently cursed as his wardrobe made him look like the human representation of a book. A fucking nerdy goody-two-shoes. And still, the handsome stranger had not a drop of judgement in his eyes as Zeke took a flyer. 

Soon came the cookout, followed by bidding, then several trials during the pledging process. He’ll spare you the details on the embarrassing ones. Had he been hazed? Some things are best left unknown. Did he do it for the sole purpose of spending more time with the man who he now discovered is called Porco? _Some things are best left unknown._

Somehow, _somehow,_ he ended up elected along with a few others to join the fraternity. 

Here he is now, standing in front of his future brotherhood and about to recite an oath. It’s just his luck to be the last one to do it. He knows the importance of the oath and the tension surrounding the room only makes his heart beat faster and hands shake harder. 

He pushes back his glasses, a nervous tic he took after his father - including his shitty vision - then clears his throat.

“I believe in Alpha Delta Phi, its traditions and its ideals. Born of sturdy manhood, nurtured by resolute men, ennobled by high and sacred purpose, it has taken its place among the educational institutions of Canada as a promoter of knowledge, an advancer of culture and a builder of character.” He mentally thanks any existing deity for his voice not cracking. He resumes to the text shown in front of him.

“It inspires true friendship; it teaches truth, temperance and tolerance; extols virtue; exacts harmony; and extends a helping hand to all who seek it.” He quirks a smile at the encouraging thumbs up from _giant with short hair-_ Bertholdt. He’s getting there.

“I believe in the primacy of alma mater, in the usefulness of my fraternity, in its influence and its accomplishment and I shall do all in my power to perpetuate its ideals, thereby serving my god, my country and my fellow-man,” he finishes, breathing out of relief. There’s a loud uproar as everyone cheers and he almost gets tackled by _jock_ _blondie_ patting his back. Rainier? Reinhard? 

“A warm welcome to our newest members,” Willy proclaims, arms raised in the air. A few confetti streams fall on Zeke’s head from party poppers. 

He’s definitely familiar with that man as he's an important member of their chapter. They’ve shared a few conversations and the guy seems like someone good-natured. The charismatic blond seems to be talking with a few neophytes such as himself until his gaze ends up on Zeke. 

“So, little brother,” he begins, a smile etched on his face. “We happen to have a few places available if living in our house interests you.”

“Is that so?” He strokes his stubbles, observing Porco from the corner of his eye. “How much is it?”

“A thousand per semester,” he winks at the younger male.

“Only that?!” he gapes in amazement. It’s much cheaper than his dorm. There really are perks in joining Greek life. 

“Only that,” repeats Willy, amused by his reaction.

“And… who would I share my room with?” He fights the blush threatening to appear.

The other looks over the crowd, humming in contemplation. “If my memory serves me well, it could be Falco, Porco and Marcel separately - the Galliard twins in the same room would be chaotic - or Colt.”

His ears redden at the second name. “I-I, uh,” he mentally slaps himself for stuttering. Way to go for hiding his totally-not-existing crush. “I suppose Porco would be fine.”

“I’ll make sure to let him know.” Willy hands him a clipboard holding a contract. “All that’s left is signing this.”

“Um, sure.” He immediately looks for hidden clauses. Why does a small part of him feel as if he’s making a deal with the devil? After reading everything - and no, there wasn’t anything concerning - he finally signs at the bottom. “Where do I put…” His sentence dies down as he notices Willy now standing on a stage before everyone else. Where did that come from?

People have told him initiation ceremonies were mostly tame. _‘What you see in movies are totally stereotypes,’_ they said. There shouldn’t be anything too crazy tonight, right?

“To celebrate the arrival of our new brothers- boys, bring out the booze!”

Or not. 

* * *

Zeke might only be 18, barely the drinking age, but he’s touched alcohol before. However, he’s never been as shitfaced as right now. 

He remembers playing circle of death - the rules were so confusing - then he joined a game of beer pong, because why the hell not? His accuracy was surprisingly good even when he was tipsy. He won, of course. And then… then someone brought out a big-ass keg and when he saw others doing a keg stand, obviously he was going to imitate them. The part of his brain responsible for decision-making was already fucked by then. 

It was an IPA. So, that did not turn out well. He almost threw up the whole thing. The barrel was green- _green._ Hello, brain? Right, his brain was fucked.

After that, he spotted a bottle of tequila. That was his second mistake. 

All of these steps led him to be straddled on a couch, his mouth occupied by someone he doesn’t even know the face of. He just lost his kiss virginity in a drunken stupor. And yet, he hooks his arms around the stranger’s neck, relishing the feeling of warm lips on his own. It’s surprisingly slow, even drawing a moan out of him, much to his embarrassment. His skin tingles as butterflies build up in his stomach.

In his defence, he did think they were butterflies but after a few seconds he ends up throwing up on the carpet. The stranger leaves him, rightfully so. He cleans his mouth with even more alcohol.

He's lifelessly staring at the vomit pile before feeling a dip to the left side. He turns his head towards the person.

"Hey Colt, wazzuuup.”

“Wazzuuuup,” he pulls out his tongue.

Two guys join from behind. “Wazzuuuuuup.”

He clutches his stomach, uncontrollably wheezing. He passes out mere moments later with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, a college dropout who's never joined a fraternity and could only make online research: 👁👄👁  
> seriously please feel free to correct any mistake I've made. if you happen to be confused at everyone's age, Zeke is pretty much the youngest out there
> 
> in all honesty, a huge thank you to everyone for the support! ngl I almost cried multiple times
> 
> Eren will make an appearance next chapter ;)


	3. Chapter 3

It’s on the next day when he brings his personal items to Alpha Delt’s chapter house and stares at Porco, frozen in place, like a good idiot. Truth be told, he didn’t have much experience with relationships. Never has he dated anyone. However, he did know that once he fell, he fell _hard_ , which meant that he currently was a stuttering mess and rearranging his sunglasses every few seconds. Thankfully he brought his contacts. He doesn’t mind being the douche wearing sunglasses inside if that means he can spare himself a headache. 

“Welcome to my humble abode. Well, ours now.” His roommate gestures to the numerous posters adhered to the wall. _Misfits, The Cure, Rammstein, Alice in Chains, The Smiths_ \- On the corner lays an electric guitar and a bit further, a stray skateboard that could easily become a danger hazard. 

“You’ve, uh,” he pauses, still in awe, “really made the place your own.”

Porco frowns, “Is it too much? I could take down a few-”

“No, it’s fine!” he frantically waves his arms before clearing his throat, changing for a calm expression. “I… also happen to listen to them. A lot.”

Porco suddenly throws him in a hug, his styled hair right under his nose. It would be so easy to bury his face there. His heart strongly hammers against his ribcage, returning the hug with weak arms. 

“I knew you’d be an awesome roommate!” he looks up, widely grinning. 

Zeke gulps at the distance separating their lips. _I could literally kiss you right now._ He breaks off the contact with an awkward smile. Scanning the floor, he stares at the few boxes containing his things from a framed picture of him holding baby Eren to a chemistry textbook that gave him plenty of hours of torture already. 

“Do you need help unpacking?” proposes Porco. 

“Ah, t-thanks for the offer but I’m good.” Call Zeke the Master of Socialization. There really is no hope for him to act normal.

“Suit yourself,” the other chuckles. “I’ll have a smoke outside if you need me.” 

He observes the man exiting through the door. _Hate to see you go but love to watch you leave._ He slaps himself.

Later in the evening, as he’s staring at a shirtless Porco, he definitely doesn’t regret his decision. 

* * *

Zeke is heading to the kitchen on a certain afternoon and walks on Reiner and Bertholdt having a heated discussion about working out. He lets them be, simply waving as a greeting and rummages through the fridge for a snack. He satisfyingly hums after finding a leftover of Chinese takeout. He borrows one of his brothers’ metal chopsticks before turning towards Reiner as his speech trails off. The man silently stares into space as Bertholdt patiently waits.

“Is he okay?” concernedly asks Zeke to the brunet. 

“Oh- yeah, I think he’s switching.” He rests his face on a hand. 

His eyebrow quirks, “Switching?” 

Bertholdt is about to respond when the muscular blond blinks a few times. “Sorry... where was I, luv?” He turns towards Zeke. “‘Allo mate, didn’t spot yer there.” 

He’s caught off-guard by the cockney accent and change of personality. He rubs his temples, his head hurting from the confusion. “Wha-” His brain short-circuits.

The other snorts at his reaction. “Wot? Didn’t Reiner tell you about us?”

Bertholdt notices the chaos going on inside his head and finally provides answers. “That’s Roman, he’s an alter. Reiner is the host.”

“Ohhh, you’re in a system. It explains that one time you absolutely refused to take your shirt off when you- I mean, Reiner just _loves_ to flex his muscles,” Zeke snorts.

“Right, Mia- she has a ravver big… personality, if yer catch me drift,” Roman cups the air close to his chest, winking at Bertholdt who soon flushes red. “But not as big as my-”

“Oookay,” he interrupts the shameless man. “I’m gonna finish this in my room.” He clutches after the leftovers, quickly leaving the conversation. After frantically running up the stairs, he stops in front of his room, catching his breath. As he opens the door, he witnesses his roommate frustratingly gripping after his hair in front of a blank page. His expression changes to something amused after Zeke’s arrival. 

“You look like you’ve been scarred for life,” comments Porco.

“Almost,” he grimly stares at the orange chicken. “Almost.”

The other’s laugh makes his heart skip a beat.

* * *

“Big bro!”

It had been three months since Zeke had last seen his family. Despite drowning in midterm studies, he called his father to organise a family outing on a Sunday afternoon. Specifically asking to keep it a surprise for Eren, he’s not surprised to see the little ball of energy running up to him.

He lifts his little brother, spinning him in the air. His giggles send a burst of warmth to Zeke’s heart. Rubbing their cheeks together, Eren whines from the prickly feeling from his beard yet he still has a huge smile orning his face. The blond finishes by kissing his cheek before finally letting his brother down. 

Carla watches them with a fond expression, hugging her husband’s arm. 

They enter the restaurant that Zeke had chosen. It’s close to his campus and he heard from his brotherhood that it was definitely worth going to at least once. He smiles as he watches Eren immediately draw on the paper placemat. When Zeke had told his little brother that his favourite animal was monkeys, the other had taken a liking to draw him as an anthropomorphic version of one. 

“What are you drawing this time?” he curiously questions.

Eren shows him the paper depicting an intricate monster. Its torso is devoid of flesh, almost resembling fishbones. The creature’s hair length is abnormally long, almost touching the ground. Eren surely has a wide imagination. 

“I call him- um…” the young boy scratches his head, “Eren, like me.” He flashes a grin. “And- and he’s really big! Like… 200 metres!”

A laugh escapes Grisha’s mouth as he rolls fettuccine around his fork. “Back in my day - don’t look at me like that, Zeke - I used to play this game at the arcade a lot. Something with ‘titan’,” he hums, deep in thoughts. “But anyway, your drawing reminds me of the final boss,” he adds with a nostalgic smile.

“What’s an arcade?” Eren asks and Zeke swears he can see his father’s soul leave his body.

It’s as the conversation dies down that Eren’s attention switches to a nutcracker-like marionette hanged to the wall. At the bottom is a string and he pulls it, a laugh coming out of the object. He smirks as his older brother grits his teeth, clearly annoyed by the sound. 

His hand hovers again towards it before Zeke mutters, “I swear to HaShem- If you pull that string one more time, I’m gonna fu- fudging kill you.”

Eren pulls it again.

* * *

_I hope something interesting happens today,_ ponders Zeke as he’s walking across campus, staring at the cloudless sky. He cheerfully opens the door leading to his fraternity house, happily humming. He spots a few people, including his roommate who happens to be talking to a really cute girl. Her long, curly hair is hiding part of her face and Porco moves a strand behind her ear and-

And kisses her.

Getting smacked in the face with a metal pole would have hurt less. The pain is agonising, like a giant hole was pummeled into his chest. He wants to scream until his throat bleeds, cry until there’s no trace of water left in his body. 

Instead, he painfully forces a smile before looking for an ignored bathroom where he can cry into. He hears loud sniffing coming from a room. _Maybe we can cry together,_ he bitterly thinks. He hesitantly opens the door, Marcel suddenly wiping his nose and doing a poor attempt at hiding something as he notices Zeke’s arrival. 

“It- It’s not what it looks like!” he anxiously exclaims. His shirt is stained by something white. Could it be flour? Or maybe-

Oh.

_Oh._

“Is that,” he ignores the way his voice wavers, “cocaine?” He assumes he’s right with the way Marcel panics even more.

“Please don’t tell anyone! Please, please, please,” he brings his hands together, pleading. “If Willy hears about this, I’ll be royally fucked!”

Zeke just had his heart broken in a million pieces. Someone could commit murder right in front of him and he wouldn’t even feel a thing. He feels empty. _So empty._ Something- he needs something.

“Show me how.”

* * *

Porco asks him why he visits his twin so often these days. Zeke replies that he’s just that good of a study partner. Behind closed doors, that’s where he can pursue the rush of euphoria. He embraces the pain in his nostrils as he snorts the white power, just so he can feel invincible. The first time he has a paranoid experience, Marcel is there to calm him down. Cooldowns are really shitty but they cuddle and pass out on his bed. 

He doesn’t care about Pieck anymore. He really doesn’t. One day Willy mentions that his grades are getting dangerously low and it takes everything in him to not roll his eyes. He puts more effort into his studies, only so that he still gets to live with Marcel.

He’s not addicted. _He craves it_.

He has full control over his actions. _He doesn’t._

He could stop anytime he wants. _It would take an immense amount of resolution._

It’s a few months later when he receives a phone call and recognises the number coming from his house’s neighbours. He’s particularly fond of Ymir’s sassiness but Historia could make anyone’s day better simply by her presence. He still has no idea why the fuck they would be calling him in the wee hours of the morning. He’s even more shocked to hear Eren’s voice. It sounds like gibberish with his loud sobbing. 

“W-What’s going on, Eren?” He quickly feels his heartbeat accelerate as anxiety fuels in him. Porco also shares a worried look as he rubs off the sleepiness from his eyes.

“The house- it was burning. Papa- he- he brought me outside- and then he went back inside to save mama and-” a sob cuts him, “and the house collapsed…” Eren’s voice is barely a whisper. 

  
Zeke drops his phone, hysterically laughing. He laughs and laughs again until he _weeps._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Seinfield theme song starts playing*
> 
> please don't hate me


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feat. selective mutism and withdrawal

“Looks like we’re here.”

Zeke stares at his brother’s new school, feeling tension coming from behind him. His head turns to the passenger seat as Eren lets out a whine, anxiously gripping after his backpack. The blond reaches out to him, softly patting his head. “I know it’s scary going to a new school - and that’s normal - but I promise you everything’s going to be okay.”

Eren silently nods, slowly opening the door to leave the car. Zeke watches him enter the building and lets out a sigh, resting his head on the steering wheel. 

He has just recently become the legal guardian of his brother, adding a huge weight to his shoulders. Of course, that meant he had to drop out of college - and give a piss-poor excuse at his fraternity before he rushingly left forever - in order to gain a full-time job. If anyone was willing to hire him, that is.

As he arrives in their new, cramped, probably hunted apartment, he has the urge to punch a wall seeing as there are _zero_ emails in response to his job applications. _If only I endured the stupid driving distance. I should have stayed home. I could have prevented it- or saved them at least. So stupid- you stupid piece of-_

He slaps his cheek, grounding himself. Wiping off a single tear, he tackles on the horrible mess that’s somehow installed itself. He tries ignoring the cold sweat on his skin and the way his body tremors. 

It’s after a few hours when he almost forgets he’s supposed to pick up Eren. If anyone asks, he did _not_ go over the speed limit. He breathes out of relief seeing him among the other kids joining their parents.

“How did it go?” he sends an encouraging smile at his little brother once he enters and looks at the rearview mirror.

The latter smiles, a rare sight these days. ‘Made friends,’ he signs as a blush creeps across his cheeks. 

“What did I say, heh? Hehhh?” He would nudge him if they weren’t in such an inconvenient position. Nevertheless, that’s one less worry on his giant list.

* * *

A few days have passed and Zeke thinks more and more about creating an OnlyFans account. He starts wondering is there’s actually something wrong with him that makes everyone so repulsed at the idea of hiring him. 

Well, he _did_ abuse cocaine but he’s learning about the consequences fair and square after quitting cold turkey. He understands why relapsing happens in so many cases. They can both survive for a while with the money gained from- His heart painfully throbs at the memory.

At least Eren seems to integrate himself at school quite smoothly, right? _Right?_

The young boy started walking home with his two new friends, allowing Zeke more liberty. He had trust in the dark-haired girl who could probably take on a fully-grown adult and win. He wasn’t expecting, however, to see his little brother’s face covered in bruises. 

“What… what the fuck happened?” The swearing accidentally slips out of his mouth. He worryingly pokes at the wounds, making the other hiss. “Alright, come with me.” 

He guides Eren to the bathroom, pulling out a bottle of rubbing alcohol with cotton pads. He grimaces in sympathy. “I’m sorry, this is gonna sting.”

The brunet whimpers as he disinfects the cuts. Zeke holds his hand - so small compared to his - and rubs a thumb across in comfort. After finishing with band-aids, he places a kiss on his forehead. Eren sends a thankful smile and runs to grab his new sketchbook. 

After squinting his eyes, Zeke reads the following, ‘mikasa’s stupid cousin tried hurting armin but i protected him. got hurt instead.’

Anger and protectiveness fuel through his veins. He tightens his fists, moon crescents marking his palms. Who in their right mind would hurt his precious little brother? _I need to have a word with whoever’s raising this son of a bitch._

“You did well, Eren. I’m proud of you,” he praises though his tone lacks cheeriness. “You have Mikasa’s number, right?”

The brunet nods, writing it down before showing it. Pulling out his smartphone, Zeke doesn’t spare a second calling Eren’s friend. He anxiously drums his fingers as it dials.

Her voice sounds particularly monotonous, most likely also angered by the situation. After asking for her cousin’s address, his face blanches as he learns that the little shit literally lives on the _same street_ as them. 

“Stay here, Eren.” His little brother worryingly holds onto his sleeve and for a moment, just a split second, Zeke can imagine himself doing the same with his father. Disregarding the pang at his heart, he ruffles his brown locks. “I’ll be back soon.”

Eren silently nods as the blond checks himself in the mirror. Are two buttons undone too much? He dismisses the thought, for once feeling confident about his appearance. 

He relishes the warmth offered by the sun. He was starting to look like a vampire from the little amount of time he spent outside. After sending a few polite smiles at passersby, he stops dead in tracks at the address where this supposed ‘Levi’ resides. 

One thing for sure is that their house looks in better condition than his place. He used to live in comfortable wealth, too. 

He dusts off his shirt, clears his throat, and knocks at the door with a bit more strength than anticipated. 

_Oh no, he’s hot_ , is what he thinks as grey piercing eyes stare back at him. The man has a smooth, defined face with chestnut hair that reaches his shoulders. He’s not a fan of smokers but the cigarette in his mouth only makes him hotter. _Snap out of it._

“Can I help ya?” asks the man at the threshold - Levi’s father? Guardian? - with a southern accent from America. 

“Are you, um- I mean- scheiße...” Great, now he sounds like a wimp. “You, sir, should be _ashamed_ at the way you’re raising your child. He used violence on an innocent kid. _A kid!_ ” 

The other snorts, stomping on the cigarette butt. “That’s just boys being boys. Makes you learn how to be a man. And nephew, actually."

“What the fuck is wrong with- hey, what are you doing?!” he exclaims as a hand creeps towards his face.

“Your nose, it’s bleeding.” The man takes out a tissue from HaShem-knows-where and offers it to the blond. 

Zeke sighs, leaning forward and pinching his nose. It’s been less frequent than before, at least. He blushes in embarrassment at the situation and suddenly feels self-conscious at the scratching marks across his body. “Thanks…” he grumbles.

Footsteps can be heard rapidly climbing down the stairs. "Who's the shitty nerd?" asks a voice that's about to reach puberty.

Zeke looks up at the new addition, examining the boy he assumes is Levi. He seems to be around 12 years old and doesn't even try hiding his bruised knuckles. He also wears a hairstyle that the young adult has seen many times on Korean idols. 

The insult hurts him a bit more than necessary. Adding to the already existing rage, he blurts out to the two, "Fuck you, you fucking fucks." Of course, he unconsciously stops pinching his nose and blood starts leaking again. 

He _graciously leaves,_ absolutely doesn't run off in embarrassment, mentally screaming at himself. 

A hug from Eren does make him feel a little better. 

* * *

Zeke wakes up in the middle of the night covered in sweat. The crawling under his skin intensifies with every breath he takes. In a panicked haze, he frantically scratches his skin with shaking arms. His heartbeat vibrates all across his body. _Get it off, get it off, get it off-_ Before he can draw blood, the small, sane part of his brain reminds him that there are, in fact, no bugs under his skin. His arms fall limp against his side as he watches his little brother sleeping soundly next to him. It was a new habit, but not one he minded. He softly strokes his head, soft brown locks going through his fingers. 

Maybe he should go to a meeting. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for the shorter chapter. my shoulder's been killing me because of my shitty bed but not to worry, I'm changing that bitch of a mattress. as you can see, my irritation comes up quite easily :^)
> 
> on another note, we just recently achieved 1000 hits! a huge thank you to everyone who decided to click on this fanfic, it means so so so much to me!
> 
> oh and I might have binge-watched the entirety of jujutsu kaisen in a day... no regrets. i definitely have to watch the new episode today (╯✧∇✧)╯

**Author's Note:**

> me: fun brotherly shenanigans  
> brain: character death  
> me: wha-  
> brain: _character death_
> 
> so yeah, I'm totally not wanting to buy a monkey plushie. they're so fucking adorable
> 
> I'm not one to beg but please,,, any kind of comment,,, i'll love you forever


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